The Magician

There are two types of useless persistence. Ready for this? Take notes.

The Constant Contact: You meet a lust interest out one evening... maybe you met them through friends, maybe it's an OKCupid date...maybe just out at a bar. You two hit it off and continue to ignore everyone else around you for the remainder of the evening, laughing and competing in a flirting tournament. You're happy when they ask for your number at the evening because you definitely want to see them again. Little did you know that giving them access to contact you at their will would be the biggest mistake of your week.

That night you get a sweet "so great meeting you! hope we can get together again soon" text.
The next morning you get: "Hi! How are you feeling? My head is killing me."
Mid day: "Hows your day? I'm so bored at work"
Early Evening: "What are your plans this evening?"
Later: "Guess you're busy. Let me know when you're free this weekend."
Even Later: "You should come meet me, I'm at A and 13th."
Latest: "Ok, Goodnight! Give me a call tomorrow when you're free!"

This is a repetitive cycle. As the days continue, you decide to transfer this "lust interest" to the "stalker" list as they progress to contact you by facebook, email, gchat and phone.

Word to the wise: Come on too strong, it will go wrong.

Word to The Constant Contacter: Back the F off. You have successfully overwhelmed and annoyed your new prospective conquest. You have most likely become known to their friends as the freak that won't leave them alone.


The Magician: Let me explain it like this. You meet someone awesome. We shall call this person Q. Q is charming, sweet, cute, funny... you have a nice time with Q. After a few dates, Q goes apeshit. Q gets mad at you for changing plans, not responding within an hour to a text or god forbid, canceling a date. Like magic, Q's an asshole. Then Q pulls the disappearing act. Q disappears for about a month.. or two. Then one day, you're sitting at work and BAM - there is a text in your inbox. Q: Hey you! It's been a while! We should get together..catch up over coffee!

Now hold the phone (literally). Just because you disappeared for a month does NOT mean you are a different person. Your CRAZY does not disappear when you do. If you wear your crazypants with someone, it is hard for them to ever picture you wearing anything else.

Every magician has a trick, but you're not fooling anyone. Unfortunately, once you know how the trick is done, the illusion is gone and so is the interest.

The Text Message Response-Time Complex

It’s a Thursday afternoon and you’ve hit a lull in work. The cutie-patootie you’ve been texting all week hasn’t responded to you since 11am. It’s 2pm and you’re in a crabby ass mood. Is it because you’re tired? Maybe. Is it because you are bored and don’t get to go to happy hour until 630? Maybe. Is it because you have a text message response-time complex? Yes. Yes it is. 

“It’s been 3 hours and he hasn’t responded. I know he looked at his phone. He posted a picture to his facebook profile via facebook mobile… and he played me in words with friends. Why can’t he answer my text?”

Then you look at the last text message you sent: “I want pizza”

Well. You shift your eyes around slyly as if there is someone near you that can see the STUPID text message you sent. You slump down, resting your head on your arm and think, “Why the hell did I write that? Why would I write that?!?! I’m such an idiot. He’s going to think that I’m uninteresting AND fat because I want pizza on a Thursday morning.” Then you contemplate saying: “I don’t really want pizza. Ha ha.” And then you delete it…because really do you need to keep talking about Pizza? So you decide on sending another text to distract from the stupid text and possibly invoke a response. 

Note: statements aren’t ideal for text conversations… because what is he going to say to that? “Yeah.” Or “I like pizza”.. and then you’ll say………….? My point precisely. 

So, instead you say… “What are you up to tonight?” (at 2:23pm)

Content with your damage control, you sit on your lunch break savoring a delicious slice of pizza-y goodness. At 330, when you return to your desk you start to feel that “crabby fucking feeling” because he still hasn’t sent a text message back. (Not that an hour later is the first time you check your phone… ohhhh no. Lets be serious, you have checked your phone every 1.5 minutes for the last hour)

This is my favorite part. We pull up our g-chat and ferociously message our BFF who is also trapped at her desk for another 3 hours.

“Paul hasn’t texted me back since 11am. I even asked him a question at 223pm. I just thought things were going ok.. and now I get silence from him. I knew it was too good to be true. This always happens to me… ugh! Why doesn’t anyone want to love me???”

And BFF says: “Maybe he’s working? Give it more time…” 

YOU: “Ok. Once he responds, I’m not going to answer him for another 2 hours.” 

And we as girlfriends say “Good idea!” Because in our minds, if we don’t answer right away we create the illusion that we are not needy or clingy or text fanatics or obsessed with them (or their text messages). 

So we set these ridiculous rules and time frames for ourselves.. we over analyze the lack of response with something entirely more than what it is. And then FINALLY at 445pm we get: “Hitting the gym and then out for a few beers with Ray, you?” 

And then suddenly you’re glowing and two hours seems so far away… and as you hit send to your response, you smile to yourself as your crazy slowly drifts back into cyber space. You sip on your diet coke and start scrolling through your favorite blog as the stars properly realign themselves.

Are women’s emotions really that fickle?

Paul’s side of the text conversation I imagine goes something like this: 

It’s Thursday morning and Paul sits at his desk hungover. At 11am he receives a text message saying: “I want pizza” and the thought is repulsive. He doesn’t want pizza and has a budget chart that needs to be done and on his bosses desk by 1. While procrastinating, he posts a picture from the night before to facebook and plays a round of words with friends. At 2pm, he decides he’s ready for lunch. At 4:30pm, he settles in to finish up his work for the day, looks at his phone and decides to text Angela back. Work mode. Social mode. 

So - Paul doesn’t go to his friends, “Oh my god, she wants pizza. She’s disgusting, I don’t like her anymore.” He also doesn’t think, “I’m not going to text her back for five hours because that will make her want me more.” Why? Guys just don’t think that way. 

Keep yourself in check. Eat the pizza, don’t tell him about it. Text him when you actually have something to say, not when you’re just bored. If you do send him a message, don’t wait by your phone. Five hours isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of life... but it is a long time to hold your breath.  

The Pumpkin Eater

There is one question that the pumpkin eater is always faced with: “Do I tell the truth?” … the reality is that the truth ALWAYS comes out. 

This decision is based on what type of pumpkin eater they are… 

The Thrill Seeker Pumpkin Cheater: You are in a long-term relationship. There is forbidden fruit that presents itself to you. Sometimes in the form of a co-worker, sometimes your lover’s best friend… sometimes it’s someone completely unassociated with anyone else in your life. Regardless, this forbidden fruit comes with the thrill of getting caught and the thrill of doing something wrong. Typically the forbidden fruit also is in a committed relationship making this a tragically messy time for all. So is the thrill seeker bored? Probably. Does it usually go any further than sex? Probably not. Does it end in a messy smashed pumpkin? Almost always. The thrill seeker will most likely not leave their significant other and will only fess up if caught red handed. The thrill seeker is probably the most hurtful because his reasons are selfish and based on his own pleasure at the sake of others.

***I think as a rule of thumb… if you ever get yourself into a situation where there is cheating, it’s best to consider anyone involved in the situation off limits for true love.  

If you cheat on your boyfriend.. why would he want to stay with you? And if you break up with him, why would the other guy want to be with a girl who just cheated on her boyfriend?  Or if you are the other woman/man and fall in love with a guy/girl who has a serious girlfriend – if he stays with her, he breaks your heart. If he leaves her, you’re left wondering when he’s going to cheat on you. Lose/Lose.

Anyways, back to pumpkin eaters.

The Cheater Cheater Clarity Seeker: Sometimes, when you open your eyes only to see you are half naked in your exboyfriend’s bed, it makes you realize how much you want to be with your current boyfriend. This cheating typically occurs on a drunken night and is done in a fit of passion, rage, nostalgia or sadness… and is usually deeply regretted. This is one of the few, though I do not condone cheating, that if you have true remorse, can go unspoken of. 

The Cheater Cheater Big Fat Cheater: This is the cheater that is unhappy in their relationship.. but because of comfort, habit or fear of being alone… they stay with the person they have been with. I will say this once: If you are unhappy and feel the need to cheat… break up. Break up! Why is this so hard? You deserve to be happy.. but why does it need to be at the expense of a person whom at one point was the love of your life? Usually the Cheater Cheater has the whole: “I don’t want to be with her but I don’t want anyone else to have her” complex.  

In the end, what good has come of a cheating relationship? As humans we are by nature guilty, so at what point is the truth selfish and at what point is it necessary? In my opinion, cheating on someone is also cheating yourself out of something real for the sake of something temporary. The second it happens you are putting yourself into a situation in which there is no silver lining or happy ending. You hurt him, he hurts you.. you hurt you… you hurt him and his girlfriend… you are blamed or you resent him or blame her… but really.. take a look in the mirror pumpkin face. 

You are what you eat…and there’s no attractive way to eat a pumpkin.   

The Male Crazy Texter

I thought it was a common understanding among men and women that when someone's texts, emails, phone calls or other forms of communication are ignored... it is code (and by code, I mean a blatantly obvious way) for "I'm just not interested."

I just felt the need to share the following text "conversation" with you... from a guy that... just doesn't get it.
NOTE: the way the conversation below is displayed is exactly as it appears in the phone.


7/9/2011 @ 10:41 PM: How's ur wkend darl? Hope ur enjoying it  :)
(no answer)
7/10/2011 @ 2:04 PM: Hey. What u up to tmrw or Tues nite ? Wanna get a bite to eat/drink ?
(no answer)
7/11/2011 @ 3:30PM: Hi Morgan. How was ur wkend ? Did u get my msg, re meeting up this week ?
(no answer)
7/13/2011 @ 9:18am: Hey you. Whats up with the no reply ? I thought u wanted to hang out in the city?
7/13/2011 @ 9:25am: Thats not very nice to not reply
ME: I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be rude. Its been an insane few days.
(Translation: I'm not that sorry... I'm ignoring you but don't want to be "rude" so I'm making up a half assed excuse so you'll leave me alone)
7/13/2011 @ 10:12am: Ha ok. Its been like 10 days
(no answer)
7/13/2011 @ 1:54pm: Can we plan a nite to meet up next week ? When u in the Hamptns next ? You prob found another boy to entertain you :( lol
(LOL is no longer cool to write)
7/16/2011 @ 10:54pm: Hey whats up. You in city?
(no answer)
7/18/2011 @ 10:02am: What u up to 2nite?
7/18/2011 @ 7:08pm: How are ya darlin? When can we hang out and go for a drink ?
7/19/2011 @ 1:03am: Just so u know I'm losing interest by the day, from your lack of etiquette and no communication skills. Cheers.
(your lack of social clues might help understand my lack of communications skills)
7/19/2011 @ 1:24pm: Whats up with the no reply, rather rude don't you think?
(this guy is just asking for it)
7/20/2011 @ 9:49am: Why would you flake out like that ? I thought u wanted to hang out
7/20/2011 @ 1:52pm: Hey tmrw Thursday July 21st, my client is having a great house party in Greenwich CT - chef, drinks, dj, pool etc 100 people transport pick you up and drop off from city, Would u come, and u can invite a few cute gfs if u like
7/21/2011 @ 12:45pm: Why would u say u wanna hang out then u don't even respond. I thought u were a cool and sincere girl, and not like most girls i meet, guess i was wrong . . .
ME (finally): I'm sorry I haven't answered you but I thought by my lack of response you'd understand. I just am not interested.
HIM: NO babe. U didn't make that clear (HOW DID I NOT MAKE THAT CLEAR? I IGNORED YOU FOR 2 WEEKS) last time u said lets hang out and we had a good time, so what happened that made u not interested? Im just curious. Im actually not interested no either, just so u know and don't take it the wrong way. (LIES. Why would you still be texting me?)
ME: You're hilarious.
HIM: Not really, i think u are a bit rude, immature and lack communication skills. Take it easy lil girl
(no reply)
HIM: I actually lost interest probably before u did. As

And that concludes our text marathon. Or HIS text marathon. Yep. He TOTALLY lost interest before I did. That explains the crazy texting and the retarded last text that he obviously accidentally sent. As what? I'm curious what brilliant statement he was going to make before he fumbled and let the message send.


Anyways - the way I see it is.. if someone decides not to respond to you, let it go. Otherwise, you're just begging for brutal honesty. If someone wants to see you again, they will. If they don't... find someone who does!

Sweet Nothings

There is some sort of trigger that goes off in a woman’s brain the second something cute, sweet… perfect is said to her by the man of her affection. It’s as if the universe aligns for one split second… long enough for this little spark to ignite in her the will to do anything. Even the toughest lesbian loves to feel warm and fuzzy.. whether or not she will admit it. 

Regardless of how nonchalant the phrase is spoken, you must realize that it was deeply plotted and planned how and when he was going to execute the sweet nothing so it becomes a sweet-big-fucking-deal and puts you in the most vulnerable place. 

So.. what.. he says “I don’t want to ever stop kissing you” or “why is getting attached a bad thing?” or.. you sit cross legged on the kitchen counter talking all night listening to each other’s playlists and he looks up and quietly says “you’re really the only person who knows me… you’re the only person that I’ve ever wanted to stay”… and we melt. We think.. this feels right. This is why romantic comedies are made… because this shit DOES happen. You can find true love.

BE. WARE. 

So the sweet nothing hooks you and you start to think that maybe this could be it. You delete the other guys numbers out of your contacts… you remove single from your facebook profile (not changing it to in a relationship because what you two have is so secret and sacred that you don’t want to shout it from the rooftops), and you stop going out on the prowl on Friday nights with your girlfriends. 

Note: The acceptance of title-less relationships has made what I am about to say OK. 

A week later you've received ONE message from him total, cannot call any other guy to make you feel better because you deleted them...and that's when it hits you.  That sweet nothing…because of your non-established relationship or understanding of the situation… was really just a sweet way to get you into bed and leave you feeling like nothing.

Sweet… Not.

The Pussyfooter

When a football player wins a championship game, the morning after does he suddenly decide he is no longer interested in football? Is the thrill and excitement and passion gone? Probably not. He probably takes a vacation to celebrate, spends a week recovering from celebrating, and then begins training to win another championship.

So why, after the challenge of winning a girl over, does a guy suddenly lose interest? There’s some subconscious block we (being the single people of the nation) have all seemed to develop that prevents us from being able to be happy with what we have. 

Most of my girlfriends fall for the Pussyfooter. The title is altogether too fitting; the unattentive, unresponsive, neglectful, noncommittal, creep who avoids, avoids, avoids. You meet him and instantly hit it off. The conversation is good, he’s adorable, he’s holding your hand under the table and kissing you on the sly even though his friends are right there. You hear wedding bells when he asks for your number and go to bed thinking about how cute it was when he walked you to your doorstep.

Women are really good at playing cool in the first few days following a PNB (prospective new boyfriend). We wait for him to contact us, don’t send crazy texts at all hours of the day… because lets be honest, we’re cool, even-tempered, level headed, busy social butterflies that haven’t even had a second to send a text let alone THINK of the Pussyfooter we met the night before. I wonder if our cover is blown when he finally contacts us and we reply within 3 minutes. I like to think men aren’t smart enough to figure that one out.

So he asks you out again, you pretend to clear your schedule to make time for him… and that night, in the soft glow of sauvignon blanc, you realize that this is for real. He is looking into your eyes and listening to you as you speak, you’re laughing at everything and hanging onto every word that comes out of his mouth. Has it been two days or two years? Have I finally met “the one”?

No. Because the next day when he is slipping out of your apartment at 9am, that is the last you will see of him. Everything comes to a screeching halt and you’re left there in an empty bed, smeared mascara under your eyes, wondering… what the f!*% just happened.

So now you’re in too deep. You’re buried in the two days you spent with him and the sadness of your unfulfilled expectations. You ask your girlfriends what happened… to explain to you what you did wrong.. and we all sit at the brunch table in silent shock, frantically trying to come up with one good reason. The real truth? There isn’t a good reason. There are a million reasons why people’s feelings change. And are we sad because we lost them or because they didn’t choose us? At what point does the end of our two day affair stop being about who this Pussyfooter is and become about losing? I’d probably say at least 75% of the time.

So after this happens 1, 2, 3.. 35 times, we have built a complex. We lay our heads down to sleep and toss and turn with the thought “why does no one want me?” But is that what is really happening?

Chances are you have complained in the last month at one point about a guy who will NOT leave you alone. “He texts me every day!” “Why is he such a girl?” “I haven’t replied in a week… why does he still want to see me?”

Why? Because you, my friend, are his pussyfooter. Men have been conditioned the same way. So, here you have a guy who actually wants to be with you; to spend time with you, to take a chance on you… and instead you are lying in your bed crying that you’ll never meet anyone.

If we all want those we can't have, how will anyone ever end up together?

My advice? We all need to stop being pussies.

Be honest with yourself about what you want and protect yourself until you know the other person wants the same. 

........Or... If you're smart enough to pull it off....Pussyfoot the one you want.  

The One Night Wonder?

We've all had it happen. You meet at the Standard for drinks with Man B and find that Man B is actually very charming and funny and attractive. What began as just a quick drink after work turns into 6 hours of talking and drinking and in a hot second the two of you are making out at the bar, oblivious to the surroundings or the fact that it's a Monday night. The next morning all of your doubts are gone about Man B and you're feeling yourself starting to slip to the "like" phase. You get ready for work, check your phone, and decide to send a sweet text: "I had a really nice time last night. I look forward to pizza in time square" (and you make some dumb joke about something you talked about last night so he knows you were listening... ) You cruise to work, do your thang... 5pm rolls around... and nothing. Not a single text back from him. You give him another day. Nothing. A week later, you still haven't heard from him and you sit at the bar with your girlfriends flabbergasted as you try to replay the series of events. Why. WHY would he not contact me again!?

Why you ask? Because most people are douchebags. It's easy to have no regard for someone you don't know. Because life happens and you get caught up in yourself and suddenly that girl or guy you met last week doesn't really take precedence over the party at Cain or your new iPhone that you can't seem to put down.. yet seldom return texts with. Everything is a version of something else and it seems that in a fast-paced dating world, everyone is also expendable. There is the illusion that everyone you go out with is replaceable. There's always something better... or at least something just as good.

Ummm... ever heard of the one that got away?

I find myself thinking about situations in which relationships grow in a natural way. At work. At school. At the gym. Anywhere you see the same people on a consistent basis. You get to know each other in a real way where you aren't putting each other under a microscope for an hour and making your decision based on their hair and their height and the fact that they aren't in the best mood that night. (Please don't mistake this opinion for going against gut feelings about someone. Those should be trusted. Instincts are typically right...read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell). But if you enjoy someone's company... if they make you laugh, if you are attracted to them... what else needs to be determined before you go on date 2? Not much.

I'm someone who is all about second chances. Because really... the worst thing that happens is you get a free meal. (everyone knows Date 2 should be to dinner)

And in the worst case scenario; damage control. If the bastard doesn't call you again... delete him from your phone so you can't drunkenly text him asking why he didn't ever text you back.