The Facebook Friend

Facebook is a beast. It does not allow for any privacy unless you put up restrictions. Even then, we can't prevent that guy or girl from writing on our walls. We can't prevent pictures from being put up and tagged of us from the night before. We all are victims of the collective paparazzi.

Yes, it is a bad situation when there is a photo of you that shouldn’t be posted. Example: You’re flirting with your ex when you are dating someone else. Your arms are around someone or he has his hand on your knee. You told your mom you were going to Michelles to study and then there are pictures of you at Matt Johnson’s house playing beer pong because his parents are out of town.

Much like living in New York, technology has made it hard for us to have space or privacy… mainly because we are so addicted to sharing everything with everyone.

Every detail down to our profile picture is giving someone information about us. We instantly know when someone is “in a relationship” or “engaged” or “broke up.” We know when they get accepted to college or lose their job or someone dies. We’ve eliminated every possibility of mystery by putting everything on facebook.

In short, we all kiss and tell. We no longer know how to keep secrets and everyone is Judas.

I have girlfriends who make fun of people who do online dating… but aren’t we all doing it? When we meet a new man, the second we know his first and last name the pre-screening begins. We google. Once we do a background check, we facebook. We look at their interests, what their friends say to them and what they say to their friends. We look at the girls in the pictures with them to see what sort of girls they hang out with and date. We look at how cute their male friends are (because we have to keep our options open…duh). We look at their “dating status.” Dating sites are virtually facebook sites that you are allowing everyone to see.

Isn’t it better to get to know someone in person instead of studying them as if you were going to do a book report? We should stop focusing on where people have been and start asking where they want to be going.

I’m going to break it down for you all. Stop trying to know too much. Why are we so obsessed with knowing everything? We think we want to know but most of the time we really don’t. 

Below is an estimated look at the divorce rate in America:

                                                                      Women                                     Men

Under 20 years old	27.6%	11.7%
20 to 24 years old	36.6%	38.8%
25 to 29 years old	16.4%	22.3%
30 to 34 years old	8.5%	11.6%
35 to 39 years old	5.1%	6.5%

My theory? Technology. Notice how the divorce rates decrease after 30 years old? Those relationships aren’t formed around our social networking, cellphone carrying, twittering paparazzi generation. We have the capability to know everything and that temptation often destroys our relationships.

I remember one time I guessed my boyfriends facebook password. Once I got it right, I instantly felt guilty and told him to change his password. His response: “I shouldn’t have to change it because you shouldn’t be tempted to snoop on me anyways.” True. But that isn’t human nature. Must we go back to Adam and Eve? We are curious people. So even though I didn’t DO anything, an argument still ensued. The problem is, and I’m not saying we should turn our heads to things we don’t want to see… but once we see something it doesn’t go away.

People are not perfect. You are not perfect. So yes, watch out for red flags… but stop digging them up. Get off facebook and start making real friends. 

The Flashback

Twenty-five years ago if you weren't face to face with someone, you ultimately had two options. A phone call or a letter. This phone call would NEVER be a drunk dial. 

Scenario 1: A drunk dial in 1980. You are 21 years old and out with your girlfriends:

"I'm going to call Joey" you say as you pull 20 cents out of your pink see-thru purse, because that's what it cost to make a pay-phone call (yes it did, I googled). So you tipsily stumble out of the bar, down the street to the corner pay phone. You proceed to dial Joey's house phone which you have memorized. It's 1am and unfortunately there is no answer from the residential side of the telephone wire. 

"Hi! This message is for joeyyy. It's me! Jackie! I just... pause... I just... pause... I just wanted to tell you that I really miss you. And I wish you were hanging out with me right now. That. Would be the best. Anyways.. I really hope I get to see you soon..shit! (you drop the phone) sorry!... I love you. Hi Mrs. Johnstone!"

So, I'd probably say Drunk Dials were out of the question. Not even sure "drunk dial" was a term. 

Aside from being drunk, imagine you get into an argument.

1980: You call your boyfriend. No answer. You hang up. Not much you can do until he calls you back. You call Cindy and Becky and go out for diet cokes and fries.

2011: You call your boyfriends cellphone. You leave a voicemail. Not only do you leave a voicemail but you mention how you know he hit the "ignore" button because it only rang 1.5 times. THEN you text him. Three times. Because thats how many words it takes to make your point. Fifteen minutes later, after you've cooled off you write him an apologetic email saying that you're sorry and that you over reacted. Five minutes later you go on facebook and see that he updated his status 10 minutes ago saying "heading to B dubs to watch the game." I'm pretty sure reading this "update" induces a relapse of the above sequence.

Yes, you are angry. But take a lesson from your 1980's self. Nothing gets solved by being crazy. In fact, you are only doing damage. So take a few hours and disconnect. In the end, that is what he is doing anyways. 

With texting and emails and IMs we don't allow ourselves to think. We just do. We say our impulsive feelings immediately. Since I am a text addict, I won't preach to the choir... I'd just say if you are angry, drunk, sad or horny don't text. Write a letter.

The Disclaimer

In college I read a book called "Survival of the Prettiest." The book covers many different topics of "beauty" and what "beauty" is to men and women. It theorizes (or perhaps proves?... I literally read it almost four years ago...) that because of the evolution of man, our natural instincts in regards to the opposite sex mirror the instincts of... well basically cavemen. That even today in 2011, a man is looking for a fertile looking woman and a woman is looking for a provider or a hunter to make sure she is taken care of.

Without doing a great study on this, I think this is a pretty believable concept. Women LOVE men in suits. A suit symbolizes work, work symbolizes money, money does not symbolize anything other than the fact that this man can take you out, feed you and buy you things.

And for men... it's the younger woman. Need we drag ourselves through history?

So, next time you see an adorable girl with a not so attractive man, this idea will become pretty apparent. Women aren't always attracted to physical appearance. There is success, talent, ambition, the way he smiles at you... sometimes the way he annoys you? So, we're complicated. Men? Not so much.

Which leads me to the trick men have been pulling since I was 16 years old. The disclaimer.

If a man says "I'm not looking for anything serious. I just got out of a long relationship and I'm not ready to be in another one yet...but I don't want to hurt you." -- or substitute any other disclaimer you may have heard in your dating life... guess what? He means it.

So we say, "Ok. I understand." ...but we hate losing, don't we? So we say: "I really love hanging out with you though. We don't have to make it anything serious." Cue subtext: "I really love hanging out with you. I know eventually if we continue to see each other you will realize how much you want to be with me."

This is where it gets confusing. Because he will say the disclaimer and then kiss you. He will hold your hand in public. He will call you just to talk or take you to dinner. Everything will continue on the same as it did before he dropped the "nothing serious" bomb. In fact, you might say he is being even sweeter and cuter and you suddenly find yourself looking at engagement rings and picking out baby names. Then months down the line, you find yourself waist deep in love muffins... so you decide to have "the talk."

You say... "So... what are we doing? What is this?"
He looks at you, takes a deep breath, and says "Babe. I told you in the beginning... I don't want anything serious.."

Because... well... he did.

The stupid moronic reality of men is that they think if they sit you down and say something, then that's it. It has been said and you know how he feels so then he can proceed to behave however he wants. Because he told you -- he said it!

There is nothing subliminal about male behavior. Yes is yes. No is no. I don't want anything serious is I don't want anything serious.

The Peter Pansy

"He acts like a twelve year old" often comes up when discussing men. Before I go any further... lets analyze this statement. A twelve year old boys life consisted of a woman making his breakfast, lunch and dinner, doing his laundry, being his chauffeur, and cleaning. She was buying him clothes to wear and dropping him off to see his friends... in fact she encouraged him to stay out of the house, play sports and spend time with his buddies. So yes, 12 years old seems like a natural age for a man to revert back to given the circumstances.

Now he's 29 or 30 years old and we get annoyed with the him for spending an over-abundant amount of time with his "bros."

The Peter Pansy is the man who doesn't want to grow up. He isn't ready for a real relationship with a girlfriend. Don't get the Peter Pansy confused with the frat boy. The frat boy doesn't want a relationship for completely different reasons. One is screwing everything, one just loves his boy time. I'll let you decide which is which. 

How do you know if you are dating a Peter?

1. He blows you off consistently for the boys.

2. He blows you off for the boys even after he spent all week with them.

3. He would rather be out getting wasted than going to dinner with you.

4. You are constantly asking yourself why he doesn't want to spend time with you.

5. You are constantly asking yourself why he doesn't call you or text you back.

6. He will tell you he likes you. He will do everything right up to a certain point and then panic and go on a three day bender with his friends watching football and playing video games. Monday morning he will claim he lost his phone over the weekend.

7. The sex isn't that good. (to state the obvious: why would it be if he is spending all his time with his friends?)

7. You or your girlfriends have said on more than one occasion "What, is he gay or something?"

8. Huge momma's boy.

I guess what I am saying is that the Pansy is the poor mans Bachelor. Bachelor has a "suave" connotation to it. The Bachelor dates, he loves women, he just doesn't want commitment because he has everything he could want. He's set in his career, he has women, he has his life the way he wants it. The Bachelor is George Clooney. A Pansy, however, will be successful and have all the qualities of a Bachelor but won't be THAT cool. They will be harder to forgive. Why? The Bachelor will give you an orgasm. The Pansy... will not.

The Crazy Texter

We are all guilty of it. Ever since I was FINALLY given the privileges of texting in college (I was a late bloomer) it was so easy to communicate with boys without risking too much. Have a drink, send a text. Have another drink, send 2 more texts. Suddenly you're 6 drinks in, he still hasn't responded, and you're incessantly sending slightly incoherent sentences to Chris, whom you have been seeing for about a month. If I send him enough texts, surely one of them will make him realize he wants to text me back! "Hi baby!" ... "What are you doing?".... "I'm ouryt with my gifrls tonuhght. Would love to see yout."... And then you get passive aggressive... "Ok.. guess you're too busy."...

And then you send the embarrassing text. And for some reason, instead of it looking drunk and messy, you are able to write a perfect sentence, with punctuation, which eliminates the possibility of saying you were blacked out... or don't remember... or whatever other excuse we cleverly come up with...

"Really? I just don't understand why you said you wanted to see me tonight if you didn't. All you had to say was that you were busy. Hope you're having fun with" and then you have used 160 characters... so you send it. And in a separate text all together, you send "her."

The next morning you wake up feeling like something close to the bird you saw lying smashed against the crosswalk. First you reach for water. Then aspirin. Then your phone. And that's when you see it. The crazy texts all neatly butted up to one another with not a single response from Chris.

Then you check your call log. Idiot. You called him 3 times in a row.

Side Note: This is where I always check to see how long each phone call was to know if I 1.) talked to him (unlikely after crazy text) 2.) left a message or 3.) hung up. I always pray for the 11 second phone call. When it's 1 minute or longer, that usually induces some sort of panic and massive embarrassment because I know a message was left.

One of my girlfriends writes down the guys number she is seeing on a piece of paper and removes it from her phone for the night. She knows that after a few rocktails, she will want to start texting so she is very proactive.

So why do we crazy text? What is it that makes us NEED a text back from him? Sometimes texts, or lack there of, ruin entire nights out. Katie is so obsessed with him not texting her back that your girls night out has become a therapy session about why John is an insensitive douche bag... and we say "you can tell he really likes you... he is probably sleeping... or drunk... or just out with the boys." But then again, he's probably not.

Why do we spend so much time obsessing about the men who don't want to give us the attention we give them? It's easy to tell Katie to stop looking at her phone and pay attention to the people around her. It's just not easy for Katie to actually do it.

My conclusion...girls can make decisions for their friends, just not themselves. So, to all of my single women out there: It's time to stop listening to your heart and start listening to your girlfriends!

It's all fair and well for a man to write a book about what women should do in situations. I'm sure though, as we all have experienced, men are idiots when it comes to love and relationships. So, from a woman's perspective (and all of the women in my life)... this is about Men, and what my girlfriends said.