Un-Filtered

"I want you." For morality's sake, I will not divulge into the more vulgar sayings that could replace the above quotation. We've sent this text. We've received this text. We've considered sending this text. We've accidentally sent this text. We've accidentally seen this text. We've regretted sending this text.

Does our lack of interaction cause us to skip normal relationship "steps?"

Let's look at Chris and Betty.

Scenario 1: Chris and Betty meet online. They spend 3 hours a night for five nights talking on OKCupid chat. They discuss the basics. Then they move on to the more intimate. They reveal secrets and desires. Chris asks questions to Betty because there's no risk and Betty answers openly and honestly because right now Chris is not yet a real person to her. So when Chris and Betty meet for the first time, they have skipped the "getting to know you" phase and are already thinking about kissing each other and at the end of the night Chris asks Betty to go home with him and Betty thinks "Why not? We have a great connection." So then Chris gets the reward with no risk, no chase, no fighting. And then what? This relationship has gone through all the most intimate steps in 2 days, skipping all the hard parts because Betty feels close to Chris because she IMed him that she just went through a really rough breakup and that she was emotionally abused as a child. And she thinks Chris cares because he wrote "I'm sorry to hear that." And she thinks he cares because right now he is anything she wants him to be in her mind. Because she doesn't really KNOW Chris. She just knows that he writes poetry, has slept with 5 girls (lies) and wants to join the peace corps (more lies).

Scenario 2: Betty meets Chris through mutual friends. Betty and Chris text every night. And Day. And at work. They would probably text each other in the shower if they could. Betty idealizes Chris as this perfect sweet funny guy because he gives her attention and she doesn't know his dirty laundry. She doesn't know he has been seeing his ex girlfriend on and off. She doesn't know he has commitment issues or sleeps with every girl he meets. Chris tells Betty he wants to see her. He misses her. But he doesn't want to see her in person, he wants pictures of her. So Betty, feeling desired, sends him pictures of herself. So Chris has managed to put Betty into a vulnerable position without even seeing her. And Betty thinks it is because he "wants her" and cares.

But "I want you" is fleeting. And after “I want you” can come silence. So Betty thinks that this is another step in her and Chris becoming closer, but it is just Chris having some fun. Chris isn't interested in anything more than what him and Betty are doing right now. It was set up to be a "sexting" relationship from the start, and that is where it shall stay.

What Betty learns is that instead of feeling closer to Chris, she feels sad and hurt that all he wants from her are dirty texts and promiscuous pictures. Betty thinks she is making Chris want her but in actuality she is putting herself into a category that eliminates reality. It's easy to say all of those things through texts and it's easy to click "send"... but that isn't really who Betty is. Betty would never do or say those things if she were face to face with Chris, and Chris would probably respect her more for not doing so. 

Scenario 3: Betty and Chris meet out one night. At the end of the night, Chris asks Betty for her number. She gives it to him. Chris calls two days later and asks Betty on a date. She accepts. They meet for dinner and talk about their jobs and their families and what they hope to be doing with their life in 5 years. When Chris takes Betty’s hand under the table, Betty gets butterflies and they share both nervousness and excitement at what is to come in the next minute, hour, week...  At the end of the night, Chris walks Betty home and they share a kiss. Chris says he will call Betty. And he does. 

The Excuse Artist

He had a really long day and that is why he is being anti-social and sort of an ass to my friends.

He’s really perfect when it is just the two of us… you don’t know him the way I do.

He has commitment issues.

He got scared because I mentioned babies. Not with him, just that my friend had a baby.

He works too much, that is why he broke our plans to go drinking with his friends.

He had a rough family life.

Oh… yeah we’re actually not going out tonight because he has to work really early.

He hasn’t met my friends because we’re just on different schedules.

Jenny and him are just really good friends. No, seriously. They majored in Bio together at U of M and she’s dating his brother.

Actually, I was the one being crazy.

Guess what? He’s not perfect, he really is an asshole, he’d rather spend time with Jenny and you’re not the crazy one. And the cold hard truth is… he isn’t afraid of commitment, he just doesn’t want to commit to you.

The Excuse Artist is trying to cover up something that is not going right, but if they think they are going to fool their girlfriends she can think again. If you find yourself making excuses for everything your man does, maybe it’s time to EXCUSE yourself from the torture of dating a mediocre man who clearly isn’t giving you what you need. There are plenty of other dogs in the pound. 

The No Nonsense Man

Thenononsenseman.com

Mark Rudov believes that men should boycott Valentines day. Personally, I agree that Valentine's day has become an over-commercialized holiday that parallels itself to New Years Eve... a let down. Why? Because men think like Mark Rudov.

His reasoning for boycotting Valentines day is:

1. All about her
2. Phony, expected, guilt-driven, overpriced
3. All about her
4. Facebook says it’s breakup day
5. All about her

He also says:

Nomance Day? Yes.
It certainly isn’t Romance Day!

Romance is SPONTANEOUS,
Romance is UNEXPECTED,
Romance is VOLUNTARY,
Romance is MUTUAL.
ALL nonexistent on Valentine’s Day.

Men universally dread Valentine’s Day
but go along with it anyway.

Why?

They think it’s the key to getting laid.

How stupid is that? Very stupid.

In my response, I'd just like to say that if a man feels this way about spending time with you, regardless of what day/event/holiday it is... you should probably give him the silent treatment for at least a week... maybe longer. 


Now I am not one to be pro-valentines day, but it seems that Mark is a conformist. He feels the pressure to do what he believes everyone else is doing on Valentines day. Previously, for my single ladies, I wrote why I believed Valentine's day to be stupid. I will now draw the other circle to the venn diagram and tell you why Mark Rudov's reasoning is stupid.




1. Valentine's day is about being in love. Last I checked, being in love involves both parties.
2. It is not our fault that women's taste involves jewelry and champagne while a man's is beer and [sport name here]. It is also not our fault that sending flowers, candy, chocolate or buying jewelry with hearts for a man would be both under-appreciated and gay.
3. Valentine's day does not need to be "dress up and spend money" day. In fact, in some cases, a fancy dinner might make the evening awkward or uncomfortable. If you so choose to celebrate valentines day it should be an evening designed around what fits your relationship, not what you THINK you should be doing.
4. There is nothing sexier than a man planning a successfully sweet and romantic evening.
5. Valentine's day should be looked at as a day to show appreciation and adoration. It doesn't need to be looked at as a chore. You could turn anything into a chore. Ugh... it's her birthday. Ugh... it's our anniversary. Ugh... she wants me to go to dinner with her. Ugh... it's our wedding day.
6. Men, if it is important to your girlfriend, it should be important to you. If you decide to cancel Valentine's Day for yourself and your honey, there are still millions of other people out there celebrating it. Therefore, you're setting yourself up to look like an asshole, start a fight, and hurt your girl. Suck it up.


Is it really that bad? Ultimately, after taking a silent poll in my head of what the most important thing to a girl is on Valentine's Day, the answer is: Spending time with her. 


A boyfriend knows what his girlfriend would enjoy on Valentine's Day. It isn't rocket science. If a man feels like there is too much expectation on a silly day of love, what other uncomfortable expectations might he be feeling in the relationship? 


Regardless, not every woman responds the same to jewelry, flowers, candy, dinners...etc... Valentine's Day shouldn't be about buying LAVISH things to get a girl into bed. It should be about knowing what it is for you as a couple that makes you feel "the love." So whether this is dinner on a rooftop, a drive-in movie or going bowling... a couple should never feel "forced" to make each other feel special or loved, that should be something they want to do. If they don't, they should find someone else to spend Valentine's Day with.


And Mark, if none of this struck a chord with you... do you really think that boycotting Valentine's Day will make it easier to get your girlfriend to sleep with you? Then again... you probably don't have a girlfriend.

The Friend with Benefits

"I'm not looking for anything serious." Isn't that what the dating scene has become? I don't remember the last time I went out with someone and they said "I just really am looking for the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with." In fact the thought of being with someone for the rest of your life is not really even considered normal anymore. The next 5 years, the next year, for right now... those are terms we are more acquainted with. But is this our choice or are we allowing someone else to make this decision for us?

Girls are very good at convincing themselves that they don't want anything serious either. And because a guy will never say, "Come on, Angela. You and I both know that deep down you really want something serious but you're just saying what I want to hear so you and I can continue to see each other. I don't want to hurt you." He won't say this because he has you where he wants you. You've signed a contract. You are now friends with benefits and he has no tie to you. He doesn't have to call you, he doesn't have to say you are his girlfriend and he can also see other people. If you get upset, he now has the power to say "we agreed this wasn't going to be serious, Angela." Angela will then nod her head and shut her mouth. Angela has just put herself in an abusive relationship.

Why is this abusive? Joe is abusing his privileges to know and be with Angela. Angela is a woman and women want to feel safe and loved. Women are not capable of "casual" or "not serious" because women are emotionally driven. Like a child to a teddy bear, Angela has become attached to Joe. So when Joe doesn't call when he says he will, or when he goes out with another girl, or he calls her his "friend" when introducing her, Angela's heart is slowly breaking.

This "not serious" relationship can go on for years. Angela is fully attached to Joe and sincerely believes that having what she can have of Joe is better than having nothing at all. And Joe is getting everything he wants. Angela is in love and Joe knows that he could have her whenever he wants so he is in no hurry to get any more serious. In fact, he might even date someone else for a while and then come back to Angela when things go sour.

Have you ever had the thought, "Why doesn't he want to be with me?"

Sorry to say this, but it's your fault. You put yourself in a position to give him all the power in the relationship. The second you agreed to "nothing serious" that is what you became. Nothing serious. Once you become one thing to a man, it is very difficult to make him view you as anything else. And there's always the thought that if you are "nothing serious" with him, how many other guys have you been nothing serious to?

This goes back to a point I think I made before -- if you give him everything when you are just friends with benefits, what is the incentive for him to be more serious with you?

So when you're sitting at dinner with Joe and he tells you he's not looking to get into anything serious, don't say "me either." Look him in the eye and say, "Call me when you are." The way I see it, from there the situation can pan out one of two ways:

1. He realizes he wants to be with you.
2. He doesn't. Yes this hurts, but imagine if you were "nothing serious" with him for two years. At the end of two years, he tells you he met someone. Two years of your life you spent trying to love this man that never really wanted to be with you anyways. Not only will this break your heart, it will probably put you in therapy and give you a huge complex about men.

Women need to be reminded that in a world that has become sexually and morally out of control, it's ok and more so necessary to respect yourself. If you don't, who will?

The Tall-Tale Tessie

So it's the month of February and you're alone. Fucking Duane Reade (or Walgreens or CVS...whatever your drugstore of choice is) has vomited red hearts, roses and chocolates all over their store and all you want to do is paint your nails black, not shower and listen to emo music on your ipod.

Want to feel better?

• 15% of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day. (So at least you aren't pathetic)
• Over $1billion USD worth of chocolate is purchased for Valentine's Day. (You don't want to eat chocolate anyways. You will maintain a slimmer waistline than those happy stupid in love couples)
• About 3% of pet owners will give Valentine's Day gifts to their pets. (Probably chocolate.) ... um... at least you're not a dead dog? Pretty sure chocolate kills them.
• Valentines day is stupid day where people feel the need to broadcast their love.. or like. 
• I just read that the highest breakup rate on Facebook occurs right after Valentines day. So be glad you aren't being deceived on a romantic evening out right before the bomb drops.
• I bet you have at least one girlfriend who is single and willing to make Valentines Day a drunken debauchery of cynicism and self-pity. 

Why do we (being the collective single peoples) feel so badly when holidays come around? Yes, there's the obvious reminder that you are alone while you watch happy couples snuggled next to each other on a carriage ride while the snow flakes dust their eye lashes. When she laughs and he pulls her in to his chest and kisses the top of her head you can't help but have tears welling up in your eyes with the thought of "I'm always going to be alone." There's nothing worse than actually being a fly on the wall observing real love and affection when the happy couple is completely unaware that anyone is watching them. 

But that isn't always the case. In everyone's life there is a Tessie. She makes you hate your life. Her life is ALWAYS going perfect and her boyfriend is always AMAZING and he's the BEST and she just LOVES HIM SO MUCH and her job is perfect and she goes to the gym every day and her roots are never showing on her dyed hair. She is moving to the best part of town with her boyfriend of three years and they just got engaged and he's taking her on a romantic couples cruise for valentines day to the Caribbean. 

Oops. I omitted part of her name. She's Tall-Tale Tessie. Better known as Fake-it-til-you-make-it Francine. 

How do you spot a fake-it-til-you-make-it Francine? 

She's always telling you how amazing her life is. She talks up everything she is doing to make it sound like the BEST thing in the world. Example: She's shooting a feature film in midtown (she's shooting a student film in the Bronx). She's moving into a loft apartment with her boyfriend (she's moving into an apartment that has a loft bed space above their studio apartment). 

She and Frank are sooooo happy together. They are so in love and she knows he is the one. She writes on her facebook and twitter: "I love my boyfriend sooo much. He's the best in the whole wide world! I couldn't be a luckier girl!" or on his wall "I love you babe. Thank you for being so amazing. This weekend was perfect ;););) <3 xoxoxo." Usually his wall is COVERED with messages such as the one above. 

Which forces me to ask the question - what is she trying to prove? Tessie thinks she is fooling everyone with her over-zealous energy and happy facade... but she's really only fooling herself. Anyone who forces her happiness onto other people is doing it for a reason. She's unhappy. There is something missing or lacking in her relationship so she is trying to make up for it by telling the world how happy she is. Faking happiness doesn't make you happy. 

My thought? If you feel like you need to prove something when you're with someone, he's probably not "the one." 

So if you find yourself down in the blues because of a Tall-Tale Tessie, just remember: no one's relationship is ever as it seems. You aren't there with them behind closed doors. Most of the time the "happy" couples have much deeper rooted issues than those who openly have their good and bad days. 

So on Valentines day, go out with the girls. Forget that it is a day for the unhappy troubled souls in relationships and be happy that you are healthy, have friends and only have to answer to yourself. <3