The Magician

There are two types of useless persistence. Ready for this? Take notes.

The Constant Contact: You meet a lust interest out one evening... maybe you met them through friends, maybe it's an OKCupid date...maybe just out at a bar. You two hit it off and continue to ignore everyone else around you for the remainder of the evening, laughing and competing in a flirting tournament. You're happy when they ask for your number at the evening because you definitely want to see them again. Little did you know that giving them access to contact you at their will would be the biggest mistake of your week.

That night you get a sweet "so great meeting you! hope we can get together again soon" text.
The next morning you get: "Hi! How are you feeling? My head is killing me."
Mid day: "Hows your day? I'm so bored at work"
Early Evening: "What are your plans this evening?"
Later: "Guess you're busy. Let me know when you're free this weekend."
Even Later: "You should come meet me, I'm at A and 13th."
Latest: "Ok, Goodnight! Give me a call tomorrow when you're free!"

This is a repetitive cycle. As the days continue, you decide to transfer this "lust interest" to the "stalker" list as they progress to contact you by facebook, email, gchat and phone.

Word to the wise: Come on too strong, it will go wrong.

Word to The Constant Contacter: Back the F off. You have successfully overwhelmed and annoyed your new prospective conquest. You have most likely become known to their friends as the freak that won't leave them alone.


The Magician: Let me explain it like this. You meet someone awesome. We shall call this person Q. Q is charming, sweet, cute, funny... you have a nice time with Q. After a few dates, Q goes apeshit. Q gets mad at you for changing plans, not responding within an hour to a text or god forbid, canceling a date. Like magic, Q's an asshole. Then Q pulls the disappearing act. Q disappears for about a month.. or two. Then one day, you're sitting at work and BAM - there is a text in your inbox. Q: Hey you! It's been a while! We should get together..catch up over coffee!

Now hold the phone (literally). Just because you disappeared for a month does NOT mean you are a different person. Your CRAZY does not disappear when you do. If you wear your crazypants with someone, it is hard for them to ever picture you wearing anything else.

Every magician has a trick, but you're not fooling anyone. Unfortunately, once you know how the trick is done, the illusion is gone and so is the interest.

The Text Message Response-Time Complex

It’s a Thursday afternoon and you’ve hit a lull in work. The cutie-patootie you’ve been texting all week hasn’t responded to you since 11am. It’s 2pm and you’re in a crabby ass mood. Is it because you’re tired? Maybe. Is it because you are bored and don’t get to go to happy hour until 630? Maybe. Is it because you have a text message response-time complex? Yes. Yes it is. 

“It’s been 3 hours and he hasn’t responded. I know he looked at his phone. He posted a picture to his facebook profile via facebook mobile… and he played me in words with friends. Why can’t he answer my text?”

Then you look at the last text message you sent: “I want pizza”

Well. You shift your eyes around slyly as if there is someone near you that can see the STUPID text message you sent. You slump down, resting your head on your arm and think, “Why the hell did I write that? Why would I write that?!?! I’m such an idiot. He’s going to think that I’m uninteresting AND fat because I want pizza on a Thursday morning.” Then you contemplate saying: “I don’t really want pizza. Ha ha.” And then you delete it…because really do you need to keep talking about Pizza? So you decide on sending another text to distract from the stupid text and possibly invoke a response. 

Note: statements aren’t ideal for text conversations… because what is he going to say to that? “Yeah.” Or “I like pizza”.. and then you’ll say………….? My point precisely. 

So, instead you say… “What are you up to tonight?” (at 2:23pm)

Content with your damage control, you sit on your lunch break savoring a delicious slice of pizza-y goodness. At 330, when you return to your desk you start to feel that “crabby fucking feeling” because he still hasn’t sent a text message back. (Not that an hour later is the first time you check your phone… ohhhh no. Lets be serious, you have checked your phone every 1.5 minutes for the last hour)

This is my favorite part. We pull up our g-chat and ferociously message our BFF who is also trapped at her desk for another 3 hours.

“Paul hasn’t texted me back since 11am. I even asked him a question at 223pm. I just thought things were going ok.. and now I get silence from him. I knew it was too good to be true. This always happens to me… ugh! Why doesn’t anyone want to love me???”

And BFF says: “Maybe he’s working? Give it more time…” 

YOU: “Ok. Once he responds, I’m not going to answer him for another 2 hours.” 

And we as girlfriends say “Good idea!” Because in our minds, if we don’t answer right away we create the illusion that we are not needy or clingy or text fanatics or obsessed with them (or their text messages). 

So we set these ridiculous rules and time frames for ourselves.. we over analyze the lack of response with something entirely more than what it is. And then FINALLY at 445pm we get: “Hitting the gym and then out for a few beers with Ray, you?” 

And then suddenly you’re glowing and two hours seems so far away… and as you hit send to your response, you smile to yourself as your crazy slowly drifts back into cyber space. You sip on your diet coke and start scrolling through your favorite blog as the stars properly realign themselves.

Are women’s emotions really that fickle?

Paul’s side of the text conversation I imagine goes something like this: 

It’s Thursday morning and Paul sits at his desk hungover. At 11am he receives a text message saying: “I want pizza” and the thought is repulsive. He doesn’t want pizza and has a budget chart that needs to be done and on his bosses desk by 1. While procrastinating, he posts a picture from the night before to facebook and plays a round of words with friends. At 2pm, he decides he’s ready for lunch. At 4:30pm, he settles in to finish up his work for the day, looks at his phone and decides to text Angela back. Work mode. Social mode. 

So - Paul doesn’t go to his friends, “Oh my god, she wants pizza. She’s disgusting, I don’t like her anymore.” He also doesn’t think, “I’m not going to text her back for five hours because that will make her want me more.” Why? Guys just don’t think that way. 

Keep yourself in check. Eat the pizza, don’t tell him about it. Text him when you actually have something to say, not when you’re just bored. If you do send him a message, don’t wait by your phone. Five hours isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of life... but it is a long time to hold your breath.  

The Pumpkin Eater

There is one question that the pumpkin eater is always faced with: “Do I tell the truth?” … the reality is that the truth ALWAYS comes out. 

This decision is based on what type of pumpkin eater they are… 

The Thrill Seeker Pumpkin Cheater: You are in a long-term relationship. There is forbidden fruit that presents itself to you. Sometimes in the form of a co-worker, sometimes your lover’s best friend… sometimes it’s someone completely unassociated with anyone else in your life. Regardless, this forbidden fruit comes with the thrill of getting caught and the thrill of doing something wrong. Typically the forbidden fruit also is in a committed relationship making this a tragically messy time for all. So is the thrill seeker bored? Probably. Does it usually go any further than sex? Probably not. Does it end in a messy smashed pumpkin? Almost always. The thrill seeker will most likely not leave their significant other and will only fess up if caught red handed. The thrill seeker is probably the most hurtful because his reasons are selfish and based on his own pleasure at the sake of others.

***I think as a rule of thumb… if you ever get yourself into a situation where there is cheating, it’s best to consider anyone involved in the situation off limits for true love.  

If you cheat on your boyfriend.. why would he want to stay with you? And if you break up with him, why would the other guy want to be with a girl who just cheated on her boyfriend?  Or if you are the other woman/man and fall in love with a guy/girl who has a serious girlfriend – if he stays with her, he breaks your heart. If he leaves her, you’re left wondering when he’s going to cheat on you. Lose/Lose.

Anyways, back to pumpkin eaters.

The Cheater Cheater Clarity Seeker: Sometimes, when you open your eyes only to see you are half naked in your exboyfriend’s bed, it makes you realize how much you want to be with your current boyfriend. This cheating typically occurs on a drunken night and is done in a fit of passion, rage, nostalgia or sadness… and is usually deeply regretted. This is one of the few, though I do not condone cheating, that if you have true remorse, can go unspoken of. 

The Cheater Cheater Big Fat Cheater: This is the cheater that is unhappy in their relationship.. but because of comfort, habit or fear of being alone… they stay with the person they have been with. I will say this once: If you are unhappy and feel the need to cheat… break up. Break up! Why is this so hard? You deserve to be happy.. but why does it need to be at the expense of a person whom at one point was the love of your life? Usually the Cheater Cheater has the whole: “I don’t want to be with her but I don’t want anyone else to have her” complex.  

In the end, what good has come of a cheating relationship? As humans we are by nature guilty, so at what point is the truth selfish and at what point is it necessary? In my opinion, cheating on someone is also cheating yourself out of something real for the sake of something temporary. The second it happens you are putting yourself into a situation in which there is no silver lining or happy ending. You hurt him, he hurts you.. you hurt you… you hurt him and his girlfriend… you are blamed or you resent him or blame her… but really.. take a look in the mirror pumpkin face. 

You are what you eat…and there’s no attractive way to eat a pumpkin.   

The Male Crazy Texter

I thought it was a common understanding among men and women that when someone's texts, emails, phone calls or other forms of communication are ignored... it is code (and by code, I mean a blatantly obvious way) for "I'm just not interested."

I just felt the need to share the following text "conversation" with you... from a guy that... just doesn't get it.
NOTE: the way the conversation below is displayed is exactly as it appears in the phone.


7/9/2011 @ 10:41 PM: How's ur wkend darl? Hope ur enjoying it  :)
(no answer)
7/10/2011 @ 2:04 PM: Hey. What u up to tmrw or Tues nite ? Wanna get a bite to eat/drink ?
(no answer)
7/11/2011 @ 3:30PM: Hi Morgan. How was ur wkend ? Did u get my msg, re meeting up this week ?
(no answer)
7/13/2011 @ 9:18am: Hey you. Whats up with the no reply ? I thought u wanted to hang out in the city?
7/13/2011 @ 9:25am: Thats not very nice to not reply
ME: I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be rude. Its been an insane few days.
(Translation: I'm not that sorry... I'm ignoring you but don't want to be "rude" so I'm making up a half assed excuse so you'll leave me alone)
7/13/2011 @ 10:12am: Ha ok. Its been like 10 days
(no answer)
7/13/2011 @ 1:54pm: Can we plan a nite to meet up next week ? When u in the Hamptns next ? You prob found another boy to entertain you :( lol
(LOL is no longer cool to write)
7/16/2011 @ 10:54pm: Hey whats up. You in city?
(no answer)
7/18/2011 @ 10:02am: What u up to 2nite?
7/18/2011 @ 7:08pm: How are ya darlin? When can we hang out and go for a drink ?
7/19/2011 @ 1:03am: Just so u know I'm losing interest by the day, from your lack of etiquette and no communication skills. Cheers.
(your lack of social clues might help understand my lack of communications skills)
7/19/2011 @ 1:24pm: Whats up with the no reply, rather rude don't you think?
(this guy is just asking for it)
7/20/2011 @ 9:49am: Why would you flake out like that ? I thought u wanted to hang out
7/20/2011 @ 1:52pm: Hey tmrw Thursday July 21st, my client is having a great house party in Greenwich CT - chef, drinks, dj, pool etc 100 people transport pick you up and drop off from city, Would u come, and u can invite a few cute gfs if u like
7/21/2011 @ 12:45pm: Why would u say u wanna hang out then u don't even respond. I thought u were a cool and sincere girl, and not like most girls i meet, guess i was wrong . . .
ME (finally): I'm sorry I haven't answered you but I thought by my lack of response you'd understand. I just am not interested.
HIM: NO babe. U didn't make that clear (HOW DID I NOT MAKE THAT CLEAR? I IGNORED YOU FOR 2 WEEKS) last time u said lets hang out and we had a good time, so what happened that made u not interested? Im just curious. Im actually not interested no either, just so u know and don't take it the wrong way. (LIES. Why would you still be texting me?)
ME: You're hilarious.
HIM: Not really, i think u are a bit rude, immature and lack communication skills. Take it easy lil girl
(no reply)
HIM: I actually lost interest probably before u did. As

And that concludes our text marathon. Or HIS text marathon. Yep. He TOTALLY lost interest before I did. That explains the crazy texting and the retarded last text that he obviously accidentally sent. As what? I'm curious what brilliant statement he was going to make before he fumbled and let the message send.


Anyways - the way I see it is.. if someone decides not to respond to you, let it go. Otherwise, you're just begging for brutal honesty. If someone wants to see you again, they will. If they don't... find someone who does!

Sweet Nothings

There is some sort of trigger that goes off in a woman’s brain the second something cute, sweet… perfect is said to her by the man of her affection. It’s as if the universe aligns for one split second… long enough for this little spark to ignite in her the will to do anything. Even the toughest lesbian loves to feel warm and fuzzy.. whether or not she will admit it. 

Regardless of how nonchalant the phrase is spoken, you must realize that it was deeply plotted and planned how and when he was going to execute the sweet nothing so it becomes a sweet-big-fucking-deal and puts you in the most vulnerable place. 

So.. what.. he says “I don’t want to ever stop kissing you” or “why is getting attached a bad thing?” or.. you sit cross legged on the kitchen counter talking all night listening to each other’s playlists and he looks up and quietly says “you’re really the only person who knows me… you’re the only person that I’ve ever wanted to stay”… and we melt. We think.. this feels right. This is why romantic comedies are made… because this shit DOES happen. You can find true love.

BE. WARE. 

So the sweet nothing hooks you and you start to think that maybe this could be it. You delete the other guys numbers out of your contacts… you remove single from your facebook profile (not changing it to in a relationship because what you two have is so secret and sacred that you don’t want to shout it from the rooftops), and you stop going out on the prowl on Friday nights with your girlfriends. 

Note: The acceptance of title-less relationships has made what I am about to say OK. 

A week later you've received ONE message from him total, cannot call any other guy to make you feel better because you deleted them...and that's when it hits you.  That sweet nothing…because of your non-established relationship or understanding of the situation… was really just a sweet way to get you into bed and leave you feeling like nothing.

Sweet… Not.

The Pussyfooter

When a football player wins a championship game, the morning after does he suddenly decide he is no longer interested in football? Is the thrill and excitement and passion gone? Probably not. He probably takes a vacation to celebrate, spends a week recovering from celebrating, and then begins training to win another championship.

So why, after the challenge of winning a girl over, does a guy suddenly lose interest? There’s some subconscious block we (being the single people of the nation) have all seemed to develop that prevents us from being able to be happy with what we have. 

Most of my girlfriends fall for the Pussyfooter. The title is altogether too fitting; the unattentive, unresponsive, neglectful, noncommittal, creep who avoids, avoids, avoids. You meet him and instantly hit it off. The conversation is good, he’s adorable, he’s holding your hand under the table and kissing you on the sly even though his friends are right there. You hear wedding bells when he asks for your number and go to bed thinking about how cute it was when he walked you to your doorstep.

Women are really good at playing cool in the first few days following a PNB (prospective new boyfriend). We wait for him to contact us, don’t send crazy texts at all hours of the day… because lets be honest, we’re cool, even-tempered, level headed, busy social butterflies that haven’t even had a second to send a text let alone THINK of the Pussyfooter we met the night before. I wonder if our cover is blown when he finally contacts us and we reply within 3 minutes. I like to think men aren’t smart enough to figure that one out.

So he asks you out again, you pretend to clear your schedule to make time for him… and that night, in the soft glow of sauvignon blanc, you realize that this is for real. He is looking into your eyes and listening to you as you speak, you’re laughing at everything and hanging onto every word that comes out of his mouth. Has it been two days or two years? Have I finally met “the one”?

No. Because the next day when he is slipping out of your apartment at 9am, that is the last you will see of him. Everything comes to a screeching halt and you’re left there in an empty bed, smeared mascara under your eyes, wondering… what the f!*% just happened.

So now you’re in too deep. You’re buried in the two days you spent with him and the sadness of your unfulfilled expectations. You ask your girlfriends what happened… to explain to you what you did wrong.. and we all sit at the brunch table in silent shock, frantically trying to come up with one good reason. The real truth? There isn’t a good reason. There are a million reasons why people’s feelings change. And are we sad because we lost them or because they didn’t choose us? At what point does the end of our two day affair stop being about who this Pussyfooter is and become about losing? I’d probably say at least 75% of the time.

So after this happens 1, 2, 3.. 35 times, we have built a complex. We lay our heads down to sleep and toss and turn with the thought “why does no one want me?” But is that what is really happening?

Chances are you have complained in the last month at one point about a guy who will NOT leave you alone. “He texts me every day!” “Why is he such a girl?” “I haven’t replied in a week… why does he still want to see me?”

Why? Because you, my friend, are his pussyfooter. Men have been conditioned the same way. So, here you have a guy who actually wants to be with you; to spend time with you, to take a chance on you… and instead you are lying in your bed crying that you’ll never meet anyone.

If we all want those we can't have, how will anyone ever end up together?

My advice? We all need to stop being pussies.

Be honest with yourself about what you want and protect yourself until you know the other person wants the same. 

........Or... If you're smart enough to pull it off....Pussyfoot the one you want.  

The One Night Wonder?

We've all had it happen. You meet at the Standard for drinks with Man B and find that Man B is actually very charming and funny and attractive. What began as just a quick drink after work turns into 6 hours of talking and drinking and in a hot second the two of you are making out at the bar, oblivious to the surroundings or the fact that it's a Monday night. The next morning all of your doubts are gone about Man B and you're feeling yourself starting to slip to the "like" phase. You get ready for work, check your phone, and decide to send a sweet text: "I had a really nice time last night. I look forward to pizza in time square" (and you make some dumb joke about something you talked about last night so he knows you were listening... ) You cruise to work, do your thang... 5pm rolls around... and nothing. Not a single text back from him. You give him another day. Nothing. A week later, you still haven't heard from him and you sit at the bar with your girlfriends flabbergasted as you try to replay the series of events. Why. WHY would he not contact me again!?

Why you ask? Because most people are douchebags. It's easy to have no regard for someone you don't know. Because life happens and you get caught up in yourself and suddenly that girl or guy you met last week doesn't really take precedence over the party at Cain or your new iPhone that you can't seem to put down.. yet seldom return texts with. Everything is a version of something else and it seems that in a fast-paced dating world, everyone is also expendable. There is the illusion that everyone you go out with is replaceable. There's always something better... or at least something just as good.

Ummm... ever heard of the one that got away?

I find myself thinking about situations in which relationships grow in a natural way. At work. At school. At the gym. Anywhere you see the same people on a consistent basis. You get to know each other in a real way where you aren't putting each other under a microscope for an hour and making your decision based on their hair and their height and the fact that they aren't in the best mood that night. (Please don't mistake this opinion for going against gut feelings about someone. Those should be trusted. Instincts are typically right...read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell). But if you enjoy someone's company... if they make you laugh, if you are attracted to them... what else needs to be determined before you go on date 2? Not much.

I'm someone who is all about second chances. Because really... the worst thing that happens is you get a free meal. (everyone knows Date 2 should be to dinner)

And in the worst case scenario; damage control. If the bastard doesn't call you again... delete him from your phone so you can't drunkenly text him asking why he didn't ever text you back.

The Fighter

What ever happened to fighting for what you want?

We watch movies where men become infatuated and driven to “get the girl.” They fight, they cry, they act like women. In turn, women romanticize this idea that men will fight for them in real life. Sadly, the last man I actually saw fight for anything was on the news dressed in camouflage.

Everything is now too easy. If you aren’t getting it in one place, you can get it somewhere else. But how is that working out for us?

A business man does not decide he will start his own business on Saturday and on Monday have a multi-million dollar company which allows him to work 3 days a week and travel 4 months out of the year.

Please tell me the last time you were walking down the street, your hat blew away and a gorgeous dark and handsome man happened to catch it, give it to you, and ask you for coffee. I call this the romantic comedy meeting. It’s the way every girl dreams of meeting “the one.” You get stuck in an elevator. You are next to each other on a six hour flight from New York to LA. Your key isn’t opening your front door and your sexy neighbor HAPPENS to walk in and save the day. And why? Because girls don’t want to say: “I was 5 sheets to the wind at Down the Hatch… he took me home and I woke up in the morning covered in bruises, half naked, with vomit in my hair.” We want a good story. The story that makes other girls go “awww” because… well because we are slightly superficial that way.

We idealize the way a relationship should be. The way the man should be. He idealizes the way he imagines his girl to be. And then we refuse to accept him/her as they are. So, you either need to decide right away if the things that piss you off about your boyfriend/girlfriend are manageable or not. Can you put up with it? Can you ignore it? Can you grow to find it cute or endearing that he sucks air through his teeth when he is thinking or has a compulsive need to flirt with every waitress? Or will it drive you to a 1-year marriage and a messy divorce? Because, lets face it, as much as we all want to change… we don’t. Not like that.

So then we think someone else will be better…different… we put on our high heels and go out to find ‘the one.’ And when we think we found him, we encounter different problems, different fights and different things that drive us crazy.

As far as I can see it, there aren’t “soul mates.” There isn’t “the one.” Relationships work if two people are in the same place at the same time and want the same things. It is completely up to you. You can either decide, “I want to do this. I want to fight for this” or… you don’t. And if you decide to fight, you better make sure he wants to fight for you and it isn’t all fabricated in your head. 

Un-Filtered

"I want you." For morality's sake, I will not divulge into the more vulgar sayings that could replace the above quotation. We've sent this text. We've received this text. We've considered sending this text. We've accidentally sent this text. We've accidentally seen this text. We've regretted sending this text.

Does our lack of interaction cause us to skip normal relationship "steps?"

Let's look at Chris and Betty.

Scenario 1: Chris and Betty meet online. They spend 3 hours a night for five nights talking on OKCupid chat. They discuss the basics. Then they move on to the more intimate. They reveal secrets and desires. Chris asks questions to Betty because there's no risk and Betty answers openly and honestly because right now Chris is not yet a real person to her. So when Chris and Betty meet for the first time, they have skipped the "getting to know you" phase and are already thinking about kissing each other and at the end of the night Chris asks Betty to go home with him and Betty thinks "Why not? We have a great connection." So then Chris gets the reward with no risk, no chase, no fighting. And then what? This relationship has gone through all the most intimate steps in 2 days, skipping all the hard parts because Betty feels close to Chris because she IMed him that she just went through a really rough breakup and that she was emotionally abused as a child. And she thinks Chris cares because he wrote "I'm sorry to hear that." And she thinks he cares because right now he is anything she wants him to be in her mind. Because she doesn't really KNOW Chris. She just knows that he writes poetry, has slept with 5 girls (lies) and wants to join the peace corps (more lies).

Scenario 2: Betty meets Chris through mutual friends. Betty and Chris text every night. And Day. And at work. They would probably text each other in the shower if they could. Betty idealizes Chris as this perfect sweet funny guy because he gives her attention and she doesn't know his dirty laundry. She doesn't know he has been seeing his ex girlfriend on and off. She doesn't know he has commitment issues or sleeps with every girl he meets. Chris tells Betty he wants to see her. He misses her. But he doesn't want to see her in person, he wants pictures of her. So Betty, feeling desired, sends him pictures of herself. So Chris has managed to put Betty into a vulnerable position without even seeing her. And Betty thinks it is because he "wants her" and cares.

But "I want you" is fleeting. And after “I want you” can come silence. So Betty thinks that this is another step in her and Chris becoming closer, but it is just Chris having some fun. Chris isn't interested in anything more than what him and Betty are doing right now. It was set up to be a "sexting" relationship from the start, and that is where it shall stay.

What Betty learns is that instead of feeling closer to Chris, she feels sad and hurt that all he wants from her are dirty texts and promiscuous pictures. Betty thinks she is making Chris want her but in actuality she is putting herself into a category that eliminates reality. It's easy to say all of those things through texts and it's easy to click "send"... but that isn't really who Betty is. Betty would never do or say those things if she were face to face with Chris, and Chris would probably respect her more for not doing so. 

Scenario 3: Betty and Chris meet out one night. At the end of the night, Chris asks Betty for her number. She gives it to him. Chris calls two days later and asks Betty on a date. She accepts. They meet for dinner and talk about their jobs and their families and what they hope to be doing with their life in 5 years. When Chris takes Betty’s hand under the table, Betty gets butterflies and they share both nervousness and excitement at what is to come in the next minute, hour, week...  At the end of the night, Chris walks Betty home and they share a kiss. Chris says he will call Betty. And he does. 

The Excuse Artist

He had a really long day and that is why he is being anti-social and sort of an ass to my friends.

He’s really perfect when it is just the two of us… you don’t know him the way I do.

He has commitment issues.

He got scared because I mentioned babies. Not with him, just that my friend had a baby.

He works too much, that is why he broke our plans to go drinking with his friends.

He had a rough family life.

Oh… yeah we’re actually not going out tonight because he has to work really early.

He hasn’t met my friends because we’re just on different schedules.

Jenny and him are just really good friends. No, seriously. They majored in Bio together at U of M and she’s dating his brother.

Actually, I was the one being crazy.

Guess what? He’s not perfect, he really is an asshole, he’d rather spend time with Jenny and you’re not the crazy one. And the cold hard truth is… he isn’t afraid of commitment, he just doesn’t want to commit to you.

The Excuse Artist is trying to cover up something that is not going right, but if they think they are going to fool their girlfriends she can think again. If you find yourself making excuses for everything your man does, maybe it’s time to EXCUSE yourself from the torture of dating a mediocre man who clearly isn’t giving you what you need. There are plenty of other dogs in the pound. 

The No Nonsense Man

Thenononsenseman.com

Mark Rudov believes that men should boycott Valentines day. Personally, I agree that Valentine's day has become an over-commercialized holiday that parallels itself to New Years Eve... a let down. Why? Because men think like Mark Rudov.

His reasoning for boycotting Valentines day is:

1. All about her
2. Phony, expected, guilt-driven, overpriced
3. All about her
4. Facebook says it’s breakup day
5. All about her

He also says:

Nomance Day? Yes.
It certainly isn’t Romance Day!

Romance is SPONTANEOUS,
Romance is UNEXPECTED,
Romance is VOLUNTARY,
Romance is MUTUAL.
ALL nonexistent on Valentine’s Day.

Men universally dread Valentine’s Day
but go along with it anyway.

Why?

They think it’s the key to getting laid.

How stupid is that? Very stupid.

In my response, I'd just like to say that if a man feels this way about spending time with you, regardless of what day/event/holiday it is... you should probably give him the silent treatment for at least a week... maybe longer. 


Now I am not one to be pro-valentines day, but it seems that Mark is a conformist. He feels the pressure to do what he believes everyone else is doing on Valentines day. Previously, for my single ladies, I wrote why I believed Valentine's day to be stupid. I will now draw the other circle to the venn diagram and tell you why Mark Rudov's reasoning is stupid.




1. Valentine's day is about being in love. Last I checked, being in love involves both parties.
2. It is not our fault that women's taste involves jewelry and champagne while a man's is beer and [sport name here]. It is also not our fault that sending flowers, candy, chocolate or buying jewelry with hearts for a man would be both under-appreciated and gay.
3. Valentine's day does not need to be "dress up and spend money" day. In fact, in some cases, a fancy dinner might make the evening awkward or uncomfortable. If you so choose to celebrate valentines day it should be an evening designed around what fits your relationship, not what you THINK you should be doing.
4. There is nothing sexier than a man planning a successfully sweet and romantic evening.
5. Valentine's day should be looked at as a day to show appreciation and adoration. It doesn't need to be looked at as a chore. You could turn anything into a chore. Ugh... it's her birthday. Ugh... it's our anniversary. Ugh... she wants me to go to dinner with her. Ugh... it's our wedding day.
6. Men, if it is important to your girlfriend, it should be important to you. If you decide to cancel Valentine's Day for yourself and your honey, there are still millions of other people out there celebrating it. Therefore, you're setting yourself up to look like an asshole, start a fight, and hurt your girl. Suck it up.


Is it really that bad? Ultimately, after taking a silent poll in my head of what the most important thing to a girl is on Valentine's Day, the answer is: Spending time with her. 


A boyfriend knows what his girlfriend would enjoy on Valentine's Day. It isn't rocket science. If a man feels like there is too much expectation on a silly day of love, what other uncomfortable expectations might he be feeling in the relationship? 


Regardless, not every woman responds the same to jewelry, flowers, candy, dinners...etc... Valentine's Day shouldn't be about buying LAVISH things to get a girl into bed. It should be about knowing what it is for you as a couple that makes you feel "the love." So whether this is dinner on a rooftop, a drive-in movie or going bowling... a couple should never feel "forced" to make each other feel special or loved, that should be something they want to do. If they don't, they should find someone else to spend Valentine's Day with.


And Mark, if none of this struck a chord with you... do you really think that boycotting Valentine's Day will make it easier to get your girlfriend to sleep with you? Then again... you probably don't have a girlfriend.

The Friend with Benefits

"I'm not looking for anything serious." Isn't that what the dating scene has become? I don't remember the last time I went out with someone and they said "I just really am looking for the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with." In fact the thought of being with someone for the rest of your life is not really even considered normal anymore. The next 5 years, the next year, for right now... those are terms we are more acquainted with. But is this our choice or are we allowing someone else to make this decision for us?

Girls are very good at convincing themselves that they don't want anything serious either. And because a guy will never say, "Come on, Angela. You and I both know that deep down you really want something serious but you're just saying what I want to hear so you and I can continue to see each other. I don't want to hurt you." He won't say this because he has you where he wants you. You've signed a contract. You are now friends with benefits and he has no tie to you. He doesn't have to call you, he doesn't have to say you are his girlfriend and he can also see other people. If you get upset, he now has the power to say "we agreed this wasn't going to be serious, Angela." Angela will then nod her head and shut her mouth. Angela has just put herself in an abusive relationship.

Why is this abusive? Joe is abusing his privileges to know and be with Angela. Angela is a woman and women want to feel safe and loved. Women are not capable of "casual" or "not serious" because women are emotionally driven. Like a child to a teddy bear, Angela has become attached to Joe. So when Joe doesn't call when he says he will, or when he goes out with another girl, or he calls her his "friend" when introducing her, Angela's heart is slowly breaking.

This "not serious" relationship can go on for years. Angela is fully attached to Joe and sincerely believes that having what she can have of Joe is better than having nothing at all. And Joe is getting everything he wants. Angela is in love and Joe knows that he could have her whenever he wants so he is in no hurry to get any more serious. In fact, he might even date someone else for a while and then come back to Angela when things go sour.

Have you ever had the thought, "Why doesn't he want to be with me?"

Sorry to say this, but it's your fault. You put yourself in a position to give him all the power in the relationship. The second you agreed to "nothing serious" that is what you became. Nothing serious. Once you become one thing to a man, it is very difficult to make him view you as anything else. And there's always the thought that if you are "nothing serious" with him, how many other guys have you been nothing serious to?

This goes back to a point I think I made before -- if you give him everything when you are just friends with benefits, what is the incentive for him to be more serious with you?

So when you're sitting at dinner with Joe and he tells you he's not looking to get into anything serious, don't say "me either." Look him in the eye and say, "Call me when you are." The way I see it, from there the situation can pan out one of two ways:

1. He realizes he wants to be with you.
2. He doesn't. Yes this hurts, but imagine if you were "nothing serious" with him for two years. At the end of two years, he tells you he met someone. Two years of your life you spent trying to love this man that never really wanted to be with you anyways. Not only will this break your heart, it will probably put you in therapy and give you a huge complex about men.

Women need to be reminded that in a world that has become sexually and morally out of control, it's ok and more so necessary to respect yourself. If you don't, who will?

The Tall-Tale Tessie

So it's the month of February and you're alone. Fucking Duane Reade (or Walgreens or CVS...whatever your drugstore of choice is) has vomited red hearts, roses and chocolates all over their store and all you want to do is paint your nails black, not shower and listen to emo music on your ipod.

Want to feel better?

• 15% of U.S. women send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day. (So at least you aren't pathetic)
• Over $1billion USD worth of chocolate is purchased for Valentine's Day. (You don't want to eat chocolate anyways. You will maintain a slimmer waistline than those happy stupid in love couples)
• About 3% of pet owners will give Valentine's Day gifts to their pets. (Probably chocolate.) ... um... at least you're not a dead dog? Pretty sure chocolate kills them.
• Valentines day is stupid day where people feel the need to broadcast their love.. or like. 
• I just read that the highest breakup rate on Facebook occurs right after Valentines day. So be glad you aren't being deceived on a romantic evening out right before the bomb drops.
• I bet you have at least one girlfriend who is single and willing to make Valentines Day a drunken debauchery of cynicism and self-pity. 

Why do we (being the collective single peoples) feel so badly when holidays come around? Yes, there's the obvious reminder that you are alone while you watch happy couples snuggled next to each other on a carriage ride while the snow flakes dust their eye lashes. When she laughs and he pulls her in to his chest and kisses the top of her head you can't help but have tears welling up in your eyes with the thought of "I'm always going to be alone." There's nothing worse than actually being a fly on the wall observing real love and affection when the happy couple is completely unaware that anyone is watching them. 

But that isn't always the case. In everyone's life there is a Tessie. She makes you hate your life. Her life is ALWAYS going perfect and her boyfriend is always AMAZING and he's the BEST and she just LOVES HIM SO MUCH and her job is perfect and she goes to the gym every day and her roots are never showing on her dyed hair. She is moving to the best part of town with her boyfriend of three years and they just got engaged and he's taking her on a romantic couples cruise for valentines day to the Caribbean. 

Oops. I omitted part of her name. She's Tall-Tale Tessie. Better known as Fake-it-til-you-make-it Francine. 

How do you spot a fake-it-til-you-make-it Francine? 

She's always telling you how amazing her life is. She talks up everything she is doing to make it sound like the BEST thing in the world. Example: She's shooting a feature film in midtown (she's shooting a student film in the Bronx). She's moving into a loft apartment with her boyfriend (she's moving into an apartment that has a loft bed space above their studio apartment). 

She and Frank are sooooo happy together. They are so in love and she knows he is the one. She writes on her facebook and twitter: "I love my boyfriend sooo much. He's the best in the whole wide world! I couldn't be a luckier girl!" or on his wall "I love you babe. Thank you for being so amazing. This weekend was perfect ;););) <3 xoxoxo." Usually his wall is COVERED with messages such as the one above. 

Which forces me to ask the question - what is she trying to prove? Tessie thinks she is fooling everyone with her over-zealous energy and happy facade... but she's really only fooling herself. Anyone who forces her happiness onto other people is doing it for a reason. She's unhappy. There is something missing or lacking in her relationship so she is trying to make up for it by telling the world how happy she is. Faking happiness doesn't make you happy. 

My thought? If you feel like you need to prove something when you're with someone, he's probably not "the one." 

So if you find yourself down in the blues because of a Tall-Tale Tessie, just remember: no one's relationship is ever as it seems. You aren't there with them behind closed doors. Most of the time the "happy" couples have much deeper rooted issues than those who openly have their good and bad days. 

So on Valentines day, go out with the girls. Forget that it is a day for the unhappy troubled souls in relationships and be happy that you are healthy, have friends and only have to answer to yourself. <3 

The Facebook Friend

Facebook is a beast. It does not allow for any privacy unless you put up restrictions. Even then, we can't prevent that guy or girl from writing on our walls. We can't prevent pictures from being put up and tagged of us from the night before. We all are victims of the collective paparazzi.

Yes, it is a bad situation when there is a photo of you that shouldn’t be posted. Example: You’re flirting with your ex when you are dating someone else. Your arms are around someone or he has his hand on your knee. You told your mom you were going to Michelles to study and then there are pictures of you at Matt Johnson’s house playing beer pong because his parents are out of town.

Much like living in New York, technology has made it hard for us to have space or privacy… mainly because we are so addicted to sharing everything with everyone.

Every detail down to our profile picture is giving someone information about us. We instantly know when someone is “in a relationship” or “engaged” or “broke up.” We know when they get accepted to college or lose their job or someone dies. We’ve eliminated every possibility of mystery by putting everything on facebook.

In short, we all kiss and tell. We no longer know how to keep secrets and everyone is Judas.

I have girlfriends who make fun of people who do online dating… but aren’t we all doing it? When we meet a new man, the second we know his first and last name the pre-screening begins. We google. Once we do a background check, we facebook. We look at their interests, what their friends say to them and what they say to their friends. We look at the girls in the pictures with them to see what sort of girls they hang out with and date. We look at how cute their male friends are (because we have to keep our options open…duh). We look at their “dating status.” Dating sites are virtually facebook sites that you are allowing everyone to see.

Isn’t it better to get to know someone in person instead of studying them as if you were going to do a book report? We should stop focusing on where people have been and start asking where they want to be going.

I’m going to break it down for you all. Stop trying to know too much. Why are we so obsessed with knowing everything? We think we want to know but most of the time we really don’t. 

Below is an estimated look at the divorce rate in America:

                                                                      Women                                     Men

Under 20 years old	27.6%	11.7%
20 to 24 years old	36.6%	38.8%
25 to 29 years old	16.4%	22.3%
30 to 34 years old	8.5%	11.6%
35 to 39 years old	5.1%	6.5%

My theory? Technology. Notice how the divorce rates decrease after 30 years old? Those relationships aren’t formed around our social networking, cellphone carrying, twittering paparazzi generation. We have the capability to know everything and that temptation often destroys our relationships.

I remember one time I guessed my boyfriends facebook password. Once I got it right, I instantly felt guilty and told him to change his password. His response: “I shouldn’t have to change it because you shouldn’t be tempted to snoop on me anyways.” True. But that isn’t human nature. Must we go back to Adam and Eve? We are curious people. So even though I didn’t DO anything, an argument still ensued. The problem is, and I’m not saying we should turn our heads to things we don’t want to see… but once we see something it doesn’t go away.

People are not perfect. You are not perfect. So yes, watch out for red flags… but stop digging them up. Get off facebook and start making real friends. 

The Flashback

Twenty-five years ago if you weren't face to face with someone, you ultimately had two options. A phone call or a letter. This phone call would NEVER be a drunk dial. 

Scenario 1: A drunk dial in 1980. You are 21 years old and out with your girlfriends:

"I'm going to call Joey" you say as you pull 20 cents out of your pink see-thru purse, because that's what it cost to make a pay-phone call (yes it did, I googled). So you tipsily stumble out of the bar, down the street to the corner pay phone. You proceed to dial Joey's house phone which you have memorized. It's 1am and unfortunately there is no answer from the residential side of the telephone wire. 

"Hi! This message is for joeyyy. It's me! Jackie! I just... pause... I just... pause... I just wanted to tell you that I really miss you. And I wish you were hanging out with me right now. That. Would be the best. Anyways.. I really hope I get to see you soon..shit! (you drop the phone) sorry!... I love you. Hi Mrs. Johnstone!"

So, I'd probably say Drunk Dials were out of the question. Not even sure "drunk dial" was a term. 

Aside from being drunk, imagine you get into an argument.

1980: You call your boyfriend. No answer. You hang up. Not much you can do until he calls you back. You call Cindy and Becky and go out for diet cokes and fries.

2011: You call your boyfriends cellphone. You leave a voicemail. Not only do you leave a voicemail but you mention how you know he hit the "ignore" button because it only rang 1.5 times. THEN you text him. Three times. Because thats how many words it takes to make your point. Fifteen minutes later, after you've cooled off you write him an apologetic email saying that you're sorry and that you over reacted. Five minutes later you go on facebook and see that he updated his status 10 minutes ago saying "heading to B dubs to watch the game." I'm pretty sure reading this "update" induces a relapse of the above sequence.

Yes, you are angry. But take a lesson from your 1980's self. Nothing gets solved by being crazy. In fact, you are only doing damage. So take a few hours and disconnect. In the end, that is what he is doing anyways. 

With texting and emails and IMs we don't allow ourselves to think. We just do. We say our impulsive feelings immediately. Since I am a text addict, I won't preach to the choir... I'd just say if you are angry, drunk, sad or horny don't text. Write a letter.

The Disclaimer

In college I read a book called "Survival of the Prettiest." The book covers many different topics of "beauty" and what "beauty" is to men and women. It theorizes (or perhaps proves?... I literally read it almost four years ago...) that because of the evolution of man, our natural instincts in regards to the opposite sex mirror the instincts of... well basically cavemen. That even today in 2011, a man is looking for a fertile looking woman and a woman is looking for a provider or a hunter to make sure she is taken care of.

Without doing a great study on this, I think this is a pretty believable concept. Women LOVE men in suits. A suit symbolizes work, work symbolizes money, money does not symbolize anything other than the fact that this man can take you out, feed you and buy you things.

And for men... it's the younger woman. Need we drag ourselves through history?

So, next time you see an adorable girl with a not so attractive man, this idea will become pretty apparent. Women aren't always attracted to physical appearance. There is success, talent, ambition, the way he smiles at you... sometimes the way he annoys you? So, we're complicated. Men? Not so much.

Which leads me to the trick men have been pulling since I was 16 years old. The disclaimer.

If a man says "I'm not looking for anything serious. I just got out of a long relationship and I'm not ready to be in another one yet...but I don't want to hurt you." -- or substitute any other disclaimer you may have heard in your dating life... guess what? He means it.

So we say, "Ok. I understand." ...but we hate losing, don't we? So we say: "I really love hanging out with you though. We don't have to make it anything serious." Cue subtext: "I really love hanging out with you. I know eventually if we continue to see each other you will realize how much you want to be with me."

This is where it gets confusing. Because he will say the disclaimer and then kiss you. He will hold your hand in public. He will call you just to talk or take you to dinner. Everything will continue on the same as it did before he dropped the "nothing serious" bomb. In fact, you might say he is being even sweeter and cuter and you suddenly find yourself looking at engagement rings and picking out baby names. Then months down the line, you find yourself waist deep in love muffins... so you decide to have "the talk."

You say... "So... what are we doing? What is this?"
He looks at you, takes a deep breath, and says "Babe. I told you in the beginning... I don't want anything serious.."

Because... well... he did.

The stupid moronic reality of men is that they think if they sit you down and say something, then that's it. It has been said and you know how he feels so then he can proceed to behave however he wants. Because he told you -- he said it!

There is nothing subliminal about male behavior. Yes is yes. No is no. I don't want anything serious is I don't want anything serious.

The Peter Pansy

"He acts like a twelve year old" often comes up when discussing men. Before I go any further... lets analyze this statement. A twelve year old boys life consisted of a woman making his breakfast, lunch and dinner, doing his laundry, being his chauffeur, and cleaning. She was buying him clothes to wear and dropping him off to see his friends... in fact she encouraged him to stay out of the house, play sports and spend time with his buddies. So yes, 12 years old seems like a natural age for a man to revert back to given the circumstances.

Now he's 29 or 30 years old and we get annoyed with the him for spending an over-abundant amount of time with his "bros."

The Peter Pansy is the man who doesn't want to grow up. He isn't ready for a real relationship with a girlfriend. Don't get the Peter Pansy confused with the frat boy. The frat boy doesn't want a relationship for completely different reasons. One is screwing everything, one just loves his boy time. I'll let you decide which is which. 

How do you know if you are dating a Peter?

1. He blows you off consistently for the boys.

2. He blows you off for the boys even after he spent all week with them.

3. He would rather be out getting wasted than going to dinner with you.

4. You are constantly asking yourself why he doesn't want to spend time with you.

5. You are constantly asking yourself why he doesn't call you or text you back.

6. He will tell you he likes you. He will do everything right up to a certain point and then panic and go on a three day bender with his friends watching football and playing video games. Monday morning he will claim he lost his phone over the weekend.

7. The sex isn't that good. (to state the obvious: why would it be if he is spending all his time with his friends?)

7. You or your girlfriends have said on more than one occasion "What, is he gay or something?"

8. Huge momma's boy.

I guess what I am saying is that the Pansy is the poor mans Bachelor. Bachelor has a "suave" connotation to it. The Bachelor dates, he loves women, he just doesn't want commitment because he has everything he could want. He's set in his career, he has women, he has his life the way he wants it. The Bachelor is George Clooney. A Pansy, however, will be successful and have all the qualities of a Bachelor but won't be THAT cool. They will be harder to forgive. Why? The Bachelor will give you an orgasm. The Pansy... will not.

The Crazy Texter

We are all guilty of it. Ever since I was FINALLY given the privileges of texting in college (I was a late bloomer) it was so easy to communicate with boys without risking too much. Have a drink, send a text. Have another drink, send 2 more texts. Suddenly you're 6 drinks in, he still hasn't responded, and you're incessantly sending slightly incoherent sentences to Chris, whom you have been seeing for about a month. If I send him enough texts, surely one of them will make him realize he wants to text me back! "Hi baby!" ... "What are you doing?".... "I'm ouryt with my gifrls tonuhght. Would love to see yout."... And then you get passive aggressive... "Ok.. guess you're too busy."...

And then you send the embarrassing text. And for some reason, instead of it looking drunk and messy, you are able to write a perfect sentence, with punctuation, which eliminates the possibility of saying you were blacked out... or don't remember... or whatever other excuse we cleverly come up with...

"Really? I just don't understand why you said you wanted to see me tonight if you didn't. All you had to say was that you were busy. Hope you're having fun with" and then you have used 160 characters... so you send it. And in a separate text all together, you send "her."

The next morning you wake up feeling like something close to the bird you saw lying smashed against the crosswalk. First you reach for water. Then aspirin. Then your phone. And that's when you see it. The crazy texts all neatly butted up to one another with not a single response from Chris.

Then you check your call log. Idiot. You called him 3 times in a row.

Side Note: This is where I always check to see how long each phone call was to know if I 1.) talked to him (unlikely after crazy text) 2.) left a message or 3.) hung up. I always pray for the 11 second phone call. When it's 1 minute or longer, that usually induces some sort of panic and massive embarrassment because I know a message was left.

One of my girlfriends writes down the guys number she is seeing on a piece of paper and removes it from her phone for the night. She knows that after a few rocktails, she will want to start texting so she is very proactive.

So why do we crazy text? What is it that makes us NEED a text back from him? Sometimes texts, or lack there of, ruin entire nights out. Katie is so obsessed with him not texting her back that your girls night out has become a therapy session about why John is an insensitive douche bag... and we say "you can tell he really likes you... he is probably sleeping... or drunk... or just out with the boys." But then again, he's probably not.

Why do we spend so much time obsessing about the men who don't want to give us the attention we give them? It's easy to tell Katie to stop looking at her phone and pay attention to the people around her. It's just not easy for Katie to actually do it.

My conclusion...girls can make decisions for their friends, just not themselves. So, to all of my single women out there: It's time to stop listening to your heart and start listening to your girlfriends!

It's all fair and well for a man to write a book about what women should do in situations. I'm sure though, as we all have experienced, men are idiots when it comes to love and relationships. So, from a woman's perspective (and all of the women in my life)... this is about Men, and what my girlfriends said.