"I want you." For morality's sake, I will not divulge into the more vulgar sayings that could replace the above quotation. We've sent this text. We've received this text. We've considered sending this text. We've accidentally sent this text. We've accidentally seen this text. We've regretted sending this text.
Does our lack of interaction cause us to skip normal relationship "steps?"
Let's look at Chris and Betty.
Scenario 1: Chris and Betty meet online. They spend 3 hours a night for five nights talking on OKCupid chat. They discuss the basics. Then they move on to the more intimate. They reveal secrets and desires. Chris asks questions to Betty because there's no risk and Betty answers openly and honestly because right now Chris is not yet a real person to her. So when Chris and Betty meet for the first time, they have skipped the "getting to know you" phase and are already thinking about kissing each other and at the end of the night Chris asks Betty to go home with him and Betty thinks "Why not? We have a great connection." So then Chris gets the reward with no risk, no chase, no fighting. And then what? This relationship has gone through all the most intimate steps in 2 days, skipping all the hard parts because Betty feels close to Chris because she IMed him that she just went through a really rough breakup and that she was emotionally abused as a child. And she thinks Chris cares because he wrote "I'm sorry to hear that." And she thinks he cares because right now he is anything she wants him to be in her mind. Because she doesn't really KNOW Chris. She just knows that he writes poetry, has slept with 5 girls (lies) and wants to join the peace corps (more lies).
Scenario 2: Betty meets Chris through mutual friends. Betty and Chris text every night. And Day. And at work. They would probably text each other in the shower if they could. Betty idealizes Chris as this perfect sweet funny guy because he gives her attention and she doesn't know his dirty laundry. She doesn't know he has been seeing his ex girlfriend on and off. She doesn't know he has commitment issues or sleeps with every girl he meets. Chris tells Betty he wants to see her. He misses her. But he doesn't want to see her in person, he wants pictures of her. So Betty, feeling desired, sends him pictures of herself. So Chris has managed to put Betty into a vulnerable position without even seeing her. And Betty thinks it is because he "wants her" and cares.
But "I want you" is fleeting. And after “I want you” can come silence. So Betty thinks that this is another step in her and Chris becoming closer, but it is just Chris having some fun. Chris isn't interested in anything more than what him and Betty are doing right now. It was set up to be a "sexting" relationship from the start, and that is where it shall stay.
What Betty learns is that instead of feeling closer to Chris, she feels sad and hurt that all he wants from her are dirty texts and promiscuous pictures. Betty thinks she is making Chris want her but in actuality she is putting herself into a category that eliminates reality. It's easy to say all of those things through texts and it's easy to click "send"... but that isn't really who Betty is. Betty would never do or say those things if she were face to face with Chris, and Chris would probably respect her more for not doing so.
Scenario 3: Betty and Chris meet out one night. At the end of the night, Chris asks Betty for her number. She gives it to him. Chris calls two days later and asks Betty on a date. She accepts. They meet for dinner and talk about their jobs and their families and what they hope to be doing with their life in 5 years. When Chris takes Betty’s hand under the table, Betty gets butterflies and they share both nervousness and excitement at what is to come in the next minute, hour, week... At the end of the night, Chris walks Betty home and they share a kiss. Chris says he will call Betty. And he does.
insightful
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