Women know women. Women know Men. Women just can't make good decisions when it is happening to them...

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Text Message Response-Time Complex

It’s a Thursday afternoon and you’ve hit a lull in work. The cutie-patootie you’ve been texting all week hasn’t responded to you since 11am. It’s 2pm and you’re in a crabby ass mood. Is it because you’re tired? Maybe. Is it because you are bored and don’t get to go to happy hour until 630? Maybe. Is it because you have a text message response-time complex? Yes. Yes it is. 

“It’s been 3 hours and he hasn’t responded. I know he looked at his phone. He posted a picture to his facebook profile via facebook mobile… and he played me in words with friends. Why can’t he answer my text?”

Then you look at the last text message you sent: “I want pizza”

Well. You shift your eyes around slyly as if there is someone near you that can see the STUPID text message you sent. You slump down, resting your head on your arm and think, “Why the hell did I write that? Why would I write that?!?! I’m such an idiot. He’s going to think that I’m uninteresting AND fat because I want pizza on a Thursday morning.” Then you contemplate saying: “I don’t really want pizza. Ha ha.” And then you delete it…because really do you need to keep talking about Pizza? So you decide on sending another text to distract from the stupid text and possibly invoke a response. 

Note: statements aren’t ideal for text conversations… because what is he going to say to that? “Yeah.” Or “I like pizza”.. and then you’ll say………….? My point precisely. 

So, instead you say… “What are you up to tonight?” (at 2:23pm)

Content with your damage control, you sit on your lunch break savoring a delicious slice of pizza-y goodness. At 330, when you return to your desk you start to feel that “crabby fucking feeling” because he still hasn’t sent a text message back. (Not that an hour later is the first time you check your phone… ohhhh no. Lets be serious, you have checked your phone every 1.5 minutes for the last hour)

This is my favorite part. We pull up our g-chat and ferociously message our BFF who is also trapped at her desk for another 3 hours.

“Paul hasn’t texted me back since 11am. I even asked him a question at 223pm. I just thought things were going ok.. and now I get silence from him. I knew it was too good to be true. This always happens to me… ugh! Why doesn’t anyone want to love me???”

And BFF says: “Maybe he’s working? Give it more time…” 

YOU: “Ok. Once he responds, I’m not going to answer him for another 2 hours.” 

And we as girlfriends say “Good idea!” Because in our minds, if we don’t answer right away we create the illusion that we are not needy or clingy or text fanatics or obsessed with them (or their text messages). 

So we set these ridiculous rules and time frames for ourselves.. we over analyze the lack of response with something entirely more than what it is. And then FINALLY at 445pm we get: “Hitting the gym and then out for a few beers with Ray, you?” 

And then suddenly you’re glowing and two hours seems so far away… and as you hit send to your response, you smile to yourself as your crazy slowly drifts back into cyber space. You sip on your diet coke and start scrolling through your favorite blog as the stars properly realign themselves.

Are women’s emotions really that fickle?

Paul’s side of the text conversation I imagine goes something like this: 

It’s Thursday morning and Paul sits at his desk hungover. At 11am he receives a text message saying: “I want pizza” and the thought is repulsive. He doesn’t want pizza and has a budget chart that needs to be done and on his bosses desk by 1. While procrastinating, he posts a picture from the night before to facebook and plays a round of words with friends. At 2pm, he decides he’s ready for lunch. At 4:30pm, he settles in to finish up his work for the day, looks at his phone and decides to text Angela back. Work mode. Social mode. 

So - Paul doesn’t go to his friends, “Oh my god, she wants pizza. She’s disgusting, I don’t like her anymore.” He also doesn’t think, “I’m not going to text her back for five hours because that will make her want me more.” Why? Guys just don’t think that way. 

Keep yourself in check. Eat the pizza, don’t tell him about it. Text him when you actually have something to say, not when you’re just bored. If you do send him a message, don’t wait by your phone. Five hours isn’t a long time in the grand scheme of life... but it is a long time to hold your breath.  

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